The Flower

It's true, what they saw about flowers....

If you don't water your flower, it will die.




On a happier note, I have decided to move to New York next year. My parents have already approved and are going to support me financially while I am there studying. I hope to be attending NYU next fall, if all goes well. It's time for change, it's time to grow.

Hopefully, next year, I will be a beautiful strong flower.

Dragon... fly.

SO........

My birthday wasn't too bad................actually it was lovely!

My mom asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday and I told her that we should go to the park and celebrate our dog's birthdays, but the weather didn't allow for that treat! Instead, we decided to dress up all the dog's and head over to my brother's house. After waiting a couple of hours for my family to get ready, we packed ourselves up in our old minivan. The air conditioning wasn't working so the poor dogs were drenched in sweat! We arrived at the house and the dogs reunited! Luna, Shakira, Bubbles, Suzy Bear, Jack, Dexter and Bruno! They were all dressed in their new outfits, along with cute pony tails for the girls (of course luna was upset that we made her wear clothes...she absolutely hates it!!) I spent the night trying to keep the boys from humping the girls! It was a sight to see... chasing them away and all. My brother asked me to pick a movie and I finally was able to watch Home Alone 2!! I really liked the movie. We ate dinner and cut the cake's (my mom and dad bought separate cakes).

All in all, I had a peaceful day. I am most appreciative when my family is able to get together and when I do not have to go to work!

My love is back in Gainsville and I suspect this year will be tough, but not as tough as it was last year. I am stronger this year and we are closer than ever. Every year I learn and I grow, this motivates me to continue on my path to happiness.

Till next time.

Si

I guess my lastest blog entries have been kind of depressing.......
And although I have had moments of sadness, I am actually happy.

I graduated high school at the top of my class and could have gone to a very good university if I wanted to, but of course I hate conforming and was ironically trapped in Miami through family obligations. I decided that I wasn't going to apply to any university and just "ride the wave".... I begged my mom to buy me an airplane ticket to Colombia, so that I could spend my summer pondering in isolation. I pondered a whole lot. I came back and my mom had signed me up for Broward College. I began to take classes there and found myself extremely bored and with a different major every month. Eventually, I began to take some interesting psychology classes and fell in love. I still wasn't convinced that Psychology was for me, so I began to take every class that seemed interesting. My friends were taking six classes a semester for their major and I was taking five classes a semester for fun. I absolutely enjoyed all the time I spent learning a bunch of crap. I took dance classes, philosophy classes, history classes, anthropology classes, all sorts of science and math classes, literature classes and so on. In these classes, I remembered how disillusioned I was with the world, yet this time I felt I could do something about it.

And since I am extremely sleepy at the moment, I am not even going to finish this blog entry. Just know that it has a happy ending.

Till next time!

62

August 22nd is around the corner.
I will be 62 years old.... sigh.

I don't want August 22nd to come, I am dreading that day terribly. He stands in front of me, pacing back and forth, wandering around the spa like a 5 year old... and all I can feel is........ pain. The pain that hits me everytime he leaves. I will spend another birthday in tears, wishing my birthday away.

He'll be back again... but then he will leave again.... and then he'll be back again. That's life. Must be strong.

Pancho

An hour ago, I was enraged. I decided that I would vent to the world on my blog, but of course I waited too long and eventually calmed down (boo..).

For the past two years, a sibling of mine has been sick. Very sick. When I worked at the hospital for three years, I saw a lot of sick people, and let me tell you, there is nothing worse than dealing with someone who is mentally sick. Physical sickness has NOTHING on Psychological sickness! I mean, if we put them in a ring, Psych would totally knock out Phys in the first round! My sibling's sickness eventually caused my mother to detiorate psychologically as well (mind you, she had two surgeries last year for physical issues). The doctor prescribed her anti-depressants. My brother moved out (and forgot about us!!) and my father re-married. We began to recieve foreclosure notices in our mail boxes because we couldn't afford the huge rise in interest rates (We went from paying $1,600 a month to $2,300, Subprime Mortgage Slime!!) and my brother used to contribute a large amount every month. I began to work more, dancing at restaurants that I hated, taking on more hours at work and trying to take 5 classes a semester while maintaining a long distance relationship... eventually I became stressed. AND AFTER ALL OF THAT STRESS.... I NEVER felt the amount of sadness/anger that I felt last night AND this afternoon.

Last night, I came home from work.... and my father informs me that Pancho the 5th, the latest addition to our family, flew away. He accidentally left the cage open and he flew away. I was furious. Then, I come home from school this afternoon and my mom tells me that Pancho never flew away, Pancho was gobbled up by my dog Luna because my father let the birds fly around while our four dogs ran around wildly. I had not cried so much in a very long time.
You see, my mom bought Pancho, so that blueberry could have company (a boyfriend). They fell in love instantly. Blueberry had been very lonely after the death of our beloved Palmita (her bestfriend) and this helped us all feel better. When we saw blueberry happy, we were all a little happier. We would look at them cuddling and immediately burst into laughter. Pancho brought us a little glimpse of light, and now that he is dead, our house seems so dark.

I am being dramatic ::sigh:: I know... Life is a lot better than before... My mom is off her anti-depressants, My sibling seems to be improving, I have gained some volition and we might have a home that we can call our own soon! I hate to complain, but today I couldn't help it. I am just being a baby.


R.I.P Pancho the 5th. The beautiful yellow bird that lit up our home and our hearts.

If YOU build it, they will come.

My father used to make fun of me when I was in Kindergarten; He couldn't understand how a five year old could talk on the phone for hours with her best friend. One night, he decided that he must find out what we were talking about,so he picked up the phone. Apparently, she would call me every night to tell me about her day and I would repeatedly respond with "Why do you keep calling me?" Her name was Caroline.
At the time, and for many years after that, I couldn't understand the significance of friendship. I lived idly, appreciating the opportunities of escape that their company provided, but avoiding the intimacy. When my friends were sad, I tried to make them laugh, because I felt extremely uncomfortable seeing people cry. I remember a good friend of mine, confessing a horrid childhood experience, crying as she spoke, and all I could do was respond with a joke. I was unable to let myself be intimate with anyone.
Through the years, I met a couple of lovely friends, some who still remain close to me and others who are distant memories. The friends that remain close are ones that I love tremendously, yet I feel that this isn't enough. The concept of friendship dawned on me a year ago, when Harold Alexander Rocha asked me to be his girlfriend. He unintentionally taught me what it meant to be a friend. His expectations of friendship were simple: Just be on my side. At times, I have found relationships that seem more like a competition than team work, but it was different with Harold. He is ALWAYS supporting me and trying to understand me, even when I make absolutely NO sense. Consequentially, when I feel enraged with some of the decisions he makes, I calm down, breathe and try to understand him. This ability to understand someone has prepared me for a more meaningful friendship. Harold is closer to me than any friend could possibly be, but even Harold has his own Best friend, Bayardo.
I used to feel anger for the intimacy that he shared with his friend, and I couldn't understand why. I've come to the realization that I wasn't angry at their relationship; I was jealous. Someone, deep inside of me, craved a relationship like his with someone besides him. Once I realized this, I became very sad. The idea of being that close to someone, especially a girl, seemed unlikely. Previous relationships, especially after graduating from high school, were extremely superficial. Friends liked me because they thought I was pretty or smart (I don't know why), or both, but didn't try to understand me (And I hardly tried to understand them). Friends pretended to like me, when it was obvious that they really didn't. Friends wanted to drink, party or do drugs, and I do neither. Eventually, my taste for different extracurricular activities excluded me from these Friends. But this was not the only reason for my exclusion.
The biggest crime I have committed against friendship consists of my expectations. I wanted a friend who was smart and who could engage in a conversation about philosophy, science, music and so on. I wanted a friend who would rather go to a concert or play, then a basketball game. I wanted a friend who didn't drink or smoke. I wanted a friend around my age. I wanted a friend with similar interests. I wanted a friend who wasn't materialistic. I wanted a friend with a high moral conduct. AND the list goes on......Everytime I met a potential friend, I lay all my expectations of friendship on them, and was constantly disappointed. I was hunting for friends and shooting my own foot. Thankfully, I dropped the gun.

Now, that I am beginning to understand the act of understanding and diminishing my nasty expectations, Friends are coming to ME. My only wish is that I had Caroline's number.

Distance

This is for you, Elude.

I haven't cleaned my room for about 6 months.

I am not lacking motivation, you see I have many goals and expectations, however these goals have been neglected. It is easy to have all the desire in the world, but it seems rather difficult to act upon those desires. How do I turn Motivation into Volition? If Motivation= M and Volition=V, then V=M+???? I have asked myself this question TOO many times!!!

Now, motivation is goal-orientation, while volition is when you actualize these goals and commit to a particular action. Gasp, commitment! I've lived most of my life believing that motivation is enough, mostly because I used the term synonymously with volition, but it is not! It is not enough to create a list of expectations for your life and then EXPECT yourself to follow through. We are NOT rational beings! There is a particular threshold which determines our commitment level to an action, like cleaning my room. I could at any particular time, reason that I must clean my room tonight, and then a moment later rationalize how it is more important to spend time with my boyfriend, and then a moment later reason that I will clean my room.

V=M+Rs, where Rs equals rational steps. I have come to find, that within reason, simplicity is the key! To have an extensive list of goals is wonderful, but it is foolish to keep them in mind. Make small decisions, like choosing to stay home and clean the bathroom, rather than going to Coldstone to get some ice cream; no matter how tempting the distraction may be. If you commit yourself to the action, then it is easy to get through the list.

I know this all seems like common sense, but it has proven to be very useful to me, even though I didn't realize the effectiveness of it until after I completed my goal.


I will clean my room >----------------------------------------------------------- soon.



The object is not as distant as you might have perceived.



P.S. You do not need to go to the other side of the world to find that "something" that might help you actualize your dreams; PROXIMITY.

The Bell Curve

"When you're strange,
No one remembers your name.
When you're strange.."
-The Doors

YOU are strange. No I'M not.

When I was in Elementary School, I was TOO quiet. When I was in Middle School, I was a Spiritist. When I was in High School, I was a vegetarian. I always wanted to be.... Kristina.
I had a childhood friend of mine who wanted to tattoo "Insanity is Sanity" on her obliques, she would tell me that we are all insane to someone, making us all insane, making us equally sane. She does not know how much her words affected my life. Those very words are a main reason why I want to do research within Psychology. The Bell Curve of our time is one where we medicate to create a desirable distribution; to be on any extreme is to be STRANGE.
What do we do with people who are strange? We prescribe! Are you feeling sad? Take this. Too much energy? Take this. Not getting enough sleep? Take this. Are you getting too much sleep? Take this! Are you nervous? Take this! Are you anxious? Take this! Are you different??! TAKE THIS!!! Oh you don't want to take this??? Well then, LOCK HER UP!! Put her away!! Or better yet, call her a Schizophrenic and let her ROT on the streets.

We are letting society turn us into robots.

The Bell curve, The Cave, The Matrix, are merely limits that we set on our lives. Reality is not as we see it, our senses are flawed beyond REASON.

"I'm not going to change the way I look or the way I feel to conform to anything. I've always been a freak. So I've been a freak all my life and I have to live with that, you know. I'm one of those people. "
-John Lennon

Independence Day

Today was the first Sunday that I had off in a very long time. Why? Well, because we needed to burn the skies....

I woke up in the late afternoon, despite wanting to sleep till Monday, and walked downstairs. My sister was resting and my dad was watching The Parent Trap, we stared at each other and decided that we should go visit my grandmother today. Before we set off, I heard a strike of thunder and was filled with excitement. I thought we might have a lightning show tonight, instead of those artificial lights, the explosives. Unfortunately, nature couldn't stop the sillyness of man and his ridiculous traditions.

We made it to my Grandmother's humble home in North Miami and spent the day talking about spirituality and forgiveness. My grandmother's friend spent the day with us, advising my sister on her issues. I learned a lot from this beautiful woman, she had so much wisdom to share. I eventually took a nap and chatted with my cousin Willie, who spoke to me about his own journey to happiness. I was happy that he was sharing with me, since I am the happiest when people communicate and share. We ate papa johns, watched Grease and ate some fresh Krispy Creme Doughnuts. Yummmmmm. Then we set off for our house.

The Skies Were Burning.
They had been set on fire, white clouds molested by the dark one's; the one's made of smoke and pride. The one's that honor our independence and forget our dependence to the rest of the world.

I can not be angry at those who set the sky on fire. I understand that we all perceive the world differently, according to our education. We are all living different realities, set by the limations of our mind. How could I be upset at the ignorant? I can only hope that we can learn to take better care of the planet, especially after the oil spill. The molestation of the skies and the poisoning of an ocean... WE NEED TO LEARN TO BE CONSIDERATE.

I am happy that we feel free, but we must make an effort to be more free. Free of our egocentric selves. Today, I am happy that a lot of us shared the day with our loved one's, but I am also worried for our planet. Tomorrow will be brighter!

Ojala

I wasn't sure what my first post would be about and then my boyfriend mentioned his first post idea, and that is to explain your own blog page name. First, I must apologize for all the grammatical errors my blog WILL have and second for my lack of talent with words.
"Kristina's Ojala" refers to my own personal light. A light that I believe reflects a universal one, but takes on a different color for each person. A sort of spectrum of personal lights, being brought together to form a Divine Light that I like to call Good. I did not mispell God, I meant to write Good. Good is my God. My religion is reason. Music is my pulse. Dance is my breathe. And my purpose is to share whatever light I am able to grasp, even if sometimes I only leave behind shadows.